I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
