too bad you live with your parents still
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
