Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
