I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
