I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
