I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
