Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
