The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
