I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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