Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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