I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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