were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
