My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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