Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
