Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
