Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
