My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
