i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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