I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
