I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
