Don't EVER smell your tampon
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
