i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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