I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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