Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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