This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
