Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
