is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You're like the curious george of whores
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
