Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
