Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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