my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize