my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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