the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
