you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
