My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
