how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
