It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
