yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
