What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
