don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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