I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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