I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
