u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
