I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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