if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
