fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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