matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize