so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His hands were made for my vagina.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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