I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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