You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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