The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
