I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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