Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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