dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
