Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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