then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
