she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
