Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize