Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
