Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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