I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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