I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think my vagina is haunted
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
