Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
