I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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