Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
