we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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