My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
