Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
