the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
